I’m at Kroger, on a “just an excuse to get out of the house” trip. Wandering around, I find myself seriously considering a career as a MILF stripper. (Is that even a thing?)
Okay, maybe not SERIOUSLY…but I’m not saying it hasn’t crossed my mind. Those Chics BANK.
I, like a LOT of women I know, am in a living situation that greatly frustrates me. Also, like a lot of women, I am very blessed to be in that living situation. I find myself dealing with the dichotomy of being, simultaneously, grateful and resentful.
I cannot leave our home. It is the best place for Emily, in every way. For that I am grateful. To live independently, and be able to take care of us both, I need far more money than my current earning potential can provide. For that I am resentful.
I set aside my fantasies of a lucrative career in pole dancing , grab some wipes, diapers and puffs and head back home to make a gratitude list.
As an addict, I do not have the luxury of indulging resentment. Several weeks ago, I realized that I was doing exactly that; Wallowing in my anger, Dissatisfied with my place in life at the moment, Frustrated in a way that chipped away at me, day by day. When I get like this, the urge to use begins slowly creeping up my back. I feel it hovering over me, constantly…Not tapping me on the shoulder, quite yet. This disease waits patiently. It sneaks in under the guise of “Just one more time”, “I need this to relax right now” and a myriad of other justifications. It pounces at the perfect moment, when my will is weak and my heart is pained. Deceitful and seductive, this disease slithers up to my ear, whispering lies and promises, like the many, oh-so-wrong, men I’ve chosen. The only difference is, once it starts, this disease never Stops fucking me.
Thankfully, I have spent enough time in rehab and 12 Step programs to know the signs of “Relapse Mode”. Relapse Mode is the period of time, usually right before a relapse, when a sober addict/alcoholic begins to spiral toward using. Addiction/Alcoholism is a disease, using/drinking is just a symptom of the disease. Even if I am not currently doing drugs or drinking, I am still an addict. Which means I have to be vigilant about protecting my sobriety. Knowing what behaviors to watch for, has been one of the most important tools given to me in recovery. When I start feeling depressed, overwhelmed, overly- emotional, defensive, isolated, and *most of all*, impulsive; It’s time to get some help. Quick.
So, that is what I set out to do. I tried to get the assistance I needed, in my area. Unfortunately, none of the avenues I pursued, worked out. The last time I was in AA down here, I got a stalker, then had some creepy, unwanted advances made, then I …uh…slept with my sponsor. And her husband. At the same time. (At her behest, I might add) Probably not the best fellowship to help me.
The psychologists, counselors, mentors and peers I spoke with, were not helpful. Either due to their ineptitude or my lack of transparency. Panic and fear were setting in, my impulsive nature was driving me more and more each day. I decided to call my counselor and Psychiatrist in Dallas. Simply setting the appointments brought a welcome sense of calm.
Two weeks later, I drove myself, Emily and Dexter to Dallas. To relief. To MiMi. To HOME.
I saw my counselor, Dr.Stevens, twice. My Psychologist ,Dr.Bored, once. I knew that I was going to have to face some things that I have managed to avoid dealing with, for years. Mainly, the domestic abuse from my marriage to Chris (all non-family names are changed) . I won’t go into that in this post. I will say that I am very happy I chose to get help and I know I made the best decision on who to get help from. I left Dallas in much better shape than I got there in. I now have a plan, someone to be accountable to, and the medication I need to reign in my ADD ,so that I can focus on the task ahead.
When I set out to write this blog, I wanted to document my growth. I wanted to show the transformation from “Train Wreck/Drug Addict” to “Upstanding Adult /World’s Greatest Mommy”. The reason being, I hoped to show others that their mistakes do not have to define them. That we don’t have to be perfect people to be amazing parents. That change is possible, sobriety is attainable, grief is recoverable, scars are healable and GRACE is given FREELY.
Then, I put so much pressure on myself to be humorous, I began to feel my only value as a “Blogger” was being funny. I was trying so hard to entertain and make myself “relatable”, I forgot my mission. I let myself get distracted from my goal.
I’m going to try this again. I’m going to document my life as I work through the plan of action Dr. Stevens provided. I feel the accountability of reporting my progress will be a great motivator.
You may not be an addict, but all of us have room for positive change in our lives. I hope you’ll stick with me, or join me, so we can encourage one another. In an upcoming post,I will lay out the, very simple steps, I’m starting with. Don’t worry, this shit will not be boring. After 6 weeks of Yoga, I’m supposed to do Crossfit….. I smoke, have huge boobs, and have never worked out in my life….Should be interesting.
From here on, I am going to be real, honest, and transparent. It will be funny sometimes. But, it will also be serious, analytical, raw, dirty, uplifting, humble and, I’m sure a time or two ,it will be sad. Because I am all of those things. And so are you.