Welcome to My Life

Hello! My First blog post! WOW! I’ve been debating what to write about for 2 weeks. I wanted to put something together that included all the themes I plan to write about here. Trying to organize a post or plan out what I’m going to write, I have found, does not work for me. That is not how I write. My “process” is more like simple “word vomit”. I write because I HAVE to, it just comes pouring out. Sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Today, I finally had a day that just begged to be shared. I’m working towards a more healthy schedule for Britney Spears (thinking better of sharing my DD’s name & photos she’ll be referred to as Britney Spears for the purpose of anonymity. Yes, seriously.) and I. We are both night owls who stay up late. As a result, we sleep in almost every day. To change this I signed us up for some morning activities at our local Rec Center. We are currently taking Mommy/baby swimming lessons. Monday and Tuesday were okay, not without incident but okay. Monday I just made the small mistake of putting Britney Spear’s swim diaper on backwards. No big deal, right? Wrong. I noticed when we got home that She was pushing really hard and grunting.I left her to get it done. Who wants an audience for that, right? So, I gave her some privacy. When I came back she had crawled into the living room. I knew this b/c I was able to follow the trail of green knee prints on the carpet right to her. She was covered in quacamole style ballerina (my euphemism for diarreah). It was crusted all over her legs, her hair, clothes, everything. I scooped her up and was rushing around the corner to hose her off in the tub when suddenly I was air born. And then i was not. I landed on my back but managed to spare Britney any harm. I had slipped in a pile of her poop and when I tried to catch myself with my hand it landed in another pile of poop, slipped again and left me on my back in multiple piles of poop. I’m still sore. Monday’s rule. Tuesday was a little better. Britney threw up on the swim teacher but i think she had it coming.

Other than those small incidents this week was going along okay. Until today. Britney was NOT HAVING IT at swim practice. She screamed the first 20 minutes. This was unusual, she normally loves the pool. I thought she must not be feeling well and decided to take her home. She felt warm but I’m not great at being able to tell if there’s a fever. I stopped at the grocery store to get diapers and a thermometer. I was standing in the pharmacy,  mulling over which thermometer to buy when a petite woman with bright red hair came over to Britney. She began to baby talk her, touch her toes, ask us questions and make silly faces. It was only mildly annoying at first. Hinting at her to back up I said “She’s sick. I’m trying to take her temperature” and started opening a thermometer box , looking at the directions. The lady immediately got very serious. Her body went from relaxed to rigid as she reach out and placed her hand on Britney’s head, as if to palm it (like a basketball). Watching with some anger, but more curiosity I thought “What the He….” . Before I could finish my thought she begin to pray over my baby. “Oooh Dear Jesus, God In heaven! Father God our Savior and Lord!” I looked on, mesmerized, as I Listened…”I ask you God, in the name of the holy spirit, Heal this baby! Send your angels Lord, to cast out this Illness…I command in our lord’s name this sickness LEAVA-ES this child’s bod-ay” There was a pause for effect and then, in an evangelical inflection that would put Billy Graham to shame, She held her hand up to the sky, placed it back on Britney’s head and said “By his stripes we are HEALA-ed! AMEN!” I wasn’t sure how to respond to that—- So, I started clapping—- Wrong reaction. She scowled at me then holy rolled her cart down to the incontinence aisle.

At this point, my mom had joined me. We got the shopping done quickly bc i was cold. I still had on my wet bathing suit under a tank and a long maxi skirt. I’m short, and even though the skirt doesn’t usually drag the ground,I’ve lost weight since buying it and it was damp, therefore heavier and longer. I was too preoccupied with that real life Pennsatucky’s (OITNB reference) prayer, and Britney’s fever, to notice that my skirt had slipped down pretty low on my hips. I pushed the cart out of Kroger’s double doors and was crossing the area where vehicles pull up to drop people off or get their groceries loaded up; between the store and the parking lot. Mom was behind me asking a question and while I was answering, I suddenly felt…different….drafty….After a split second i looked down to find that a wheel of the cart had gotten my skirt caught in it, as i pushed it forward, resulting in the sudden and immediate removal of my skirt. I was still registering this information, and the fact that I was standing,pant-less, in a very, VERY public place, when i heard mother whisper “oh dear god” and then collapse into a fit of laughter. I was trying to pull the skirt loose from the wheel while simultaneously dancing around attempting to cover my naked legs. I mean, I’m pulling on this skirt like it’s 2nd grade field day tug-a-war, mom is behind me DY-ING laughing and Britney Spears is in her seat clapping. I am now blocking traffic. There is a serious chance of danger, my alabaster legs are so bright, they risk blinding oncoming motorist and causing a multi-car pile up. The Skirt would not budge. Finally, I had to do the only thing I could, I grabbed Britney, leaving mom to retrieve the skirt, snapped a pic (because, seriously I needed to document this), and then I threw my shoulders back, held my head up high and walked to my car. Pant-less. Guess who passed us on the way to her car? The red head. She took a long look at me, loading the car seat in with absolutely no clothes on the bottom half of my body, and then walked off, loudly praying for “my poor child.”

This is not abnormal for me. These kinds of things happen to me often. I have learned to laugh about this stuff and share it ,so that my friends can with me 🙂 Thank you all for encouraging me to do this. ❤ImageImage


8 thoughts on “Welcome to My Life

  1. Thank you Jesus for sending Angela into my life.. She brightens my day, makes my heart sing, and sometimes makes me pee my pants! Love you and great job!

  2. Thank you for the free entertainment tonight! I look forward to reading more adventurous moments in the day and life of mommy and Emily!!
    Love y’all!!!

  3. Haaaahaha
    I love laughing at your crazy mishaps! But more,
    I love that you laugh at it too and keep on truckiN’
    Yay for your first blog post!

  4. OMG this was so funny…. I know I will enjoy reading you and em’s many adventures!!! So happy you are doing this blog! Keep it up!!!

  5. Oh I love it and you!!! Girl you were rocking that tank & flip flops …Hold your head high 🙂

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