In An effort to break some bad habits, and make friends, Britney Spears and I are taking swimming lessons. It’s been great, she loves the water, loves swimming, and has really taken to it. I enjoy getting to play with her and spend time with her outside of the routine things we do throughout the day. The lessons have served their purpose as far as getting us up and out of the house before noon, but the “making friends” goal is still out of reach. 

   I have tried talking to the other mothers in the class. I’ve made casual conversation, asked questions, helped with kids. I even took breakfast one morning. At that point, I was not above bribery. Alas, It did not work. Last week, In front of one of the other moms, Britney was looking at my tattoo, tracing it with her finger. Sanctimommy #1 made a comment about how my child should not be exposed to the tattoos I have. Sanctimommy #2 took it a step further, saying the tattoo was actually “Wicked”, because the snake represents Satan. What kind of a mother walks around reppin’ the Dark Lord?? I tried to explain to her that the snake actually represented a 28 year old me, 1 week post separation, on about 6 Kolonapin and 10 vicodin, in a rush to make one more bad decision. Okay, actually I said the snake represents healing. To which she responded with a blank stare, a snotty “I’ve never heard of snakes meaning healing”, and a parting hair flip. I can’t believe this woman, who birthed 4 children, has never seen the Caduceus/Staff of Aslepius on any medical form, hospital wing, prescription pad….

    After that incident, I stopped trying. I get it, I’m the single mom, therefore, I  will be a pariah in certain situations. That’s okay. Even the implication that I’m a less than stellar mother, was really alright. It’s all copasetic because, I have found that what happens when you judge other people/mothers, is that God makes sure you realize that we’re all the same. 

  Monday morning rolled around and it was time for swim practice again. We had a nice time, talked and laughed. Britney swam so well! I was just beaming with pride. She’s the youngest in the class by about 9 months, but still manages to keep up quite nicely. When lessons are over, the indoor pool area is cleared out. Most parents take their kids to the locker rooms for drying off and changing. I usually get dressed by the pool, just throwing on a dress for our short drive home. I was getting our things together, while Britney played in the baby pool area, 3 feet across from me. Sanctimommy #2 was dressing some of her children about 10 feet down from us. Her little girl, who is almost 4, was walking around the baby pool area in her swimsuit. I crouched down to play with Britney for a second and then continued getting myself covered. I looked up and this little girl was standing right over Britney, as she sat and played in the water. The baby pool isn’t filled enough to even submerge Britney’s legs, when she’s sitting down, but, having a bigger kid lording over my 11 month old, made me nervous. I stepped over to pull Britney away, hit my hip on the stroller, knocking over my purse. I bent down to pick up the contents and as I came back up, I saw what was going on. The little girl had one foot planted on either side of Britney’s legs, in a standing straddle. She was squatting down about half way, and PEEING ALL OVER MY BABY. 

  I was frozen. Could. Not. Move. I stood there, mouth agape, hand clasped over it with eyes like saucers, just watching poor Britney Spears get urinated on. I tried to be angry but the look on Brit’s face was too much, I burst out laughing, which caught the attention of Sanctimommy #2. She turned to see what all the racket was and then, as if in slow motion, screeched “NOOOOO FAAAIIIITTTHHHH” as she dove to grab her child, mid stream. The laughing wasn’t letting up, so when Faith’s mommy turned, I assumed, to apologize to me, I just giggled out “It’s okay, Faith, I’ve peed on people before, too”, looked at her mom and winked. ; ) 

  She gave me a look of disgust, gathered her brood, and without so much as an apology, walked away. When she was almost at the exit, she turned and said “Faith IS potty trained. She’s never done that before”. Well, lady, MOST kids haven’t urinated on a baby, so don’t go pattin’ yourself on the back too hard. 

    God doesn’t like ugly! That’s for sure! It gets proven over and over! None of us have perfect children, because NONE of us are the perfect parent. No,not one. So before you wag your finger at the mother whose 3 yr old isn’t rear facing, or the family member that chose to circumcise, the working mom, the Stay at home mom, the crunchy mom….Just remember, there are 4 more fingers wagging back at you and the more sanctimonious the mom, the harder they fall!

One of the mother’s asked me if my tattoo was Wiccan. So, when I was relaying this story to my best friends, one of them responded with this text . I was immediately upset that I hadn’t thought of this!