I wrote this a long time ago. I was at work, in San Francisco, one day and for no particular reason, this came spilling out. It really was like foreshadowing. A year later I would say goodbye to someone I loved very much. On days that I “Just can’t”, this is a good reminder not to let myself be defined by my damage . For so long I felt like the walking wounded, and then the walking dead . I just wanted to feel better, not be sad, not want to check out, not HAVE to numb myself to keep from feeling like I was on fire. There are still days where I wake up, more than 2 years after getting off of my DOC, and want to run right back to it. But, I can’t. I don’t want my scars to represent my pain, I want them to represent my recovery. I want them to serve as a reminder to me of what I have overcome and moved past. I want other people to see them and think “If she can survive all of that, I can, too.” Because you can.
Time does not heal some wounds , they are simply cauterized . No matter How good of a job, it can still be reopened . Once it’s open it will be painful again. It will bleed, YOU, will bleed; emotion, tears, hate, resentment , anger and so on. It can become infected, poisoning every part of you, sickening your soul, mind and body. No, time is not a sufficient healer. A wound needs to be treated, not just patched up. You need “medicine” to rid you of the symptoms of the wound, attention to the inflicted site and some sort of respite from using the part of you with the injury. Then time can heal. But, in some cases, when the cut is deep, the offense to your delicate being is so severe, the wound will still leave a scar. Some scars never fade, they just become a part of us . They can be hidden, but eventually someone will want to see all of us and the scar will be discovered. Weather it’s viewed as a beautiful reminder of something we survived, or as evidence of a deeper ugliness still lingering with in, Is all in How we carry ourselves after the wounding.